Tuesday, August 16, 2005

I retract what I said. Sorry Dad.

I retract what I said below. While I technically feel that the words I said were true, I didn't want to convey such anger and I feel terrible for it. I realize that I was harsh and angry and I apologize for any hurt I might have caused with my words. I love my father unconditionally by my nature, but the situation is a bit messed up, and I am angry at him for many things that happened in the past. I shouldn't be angry at him over money. It is time that I got my own place anyway. Dad, thank you for opening up your house to me. -Zoe


Rowan said...

I so understand your post. I had a father a lot like that. Except, on nights where he couldn't stand my mother's drunkeness, he'd get into bed with me. Oh and on a side note, a couple of friends and I were talking about my father, and they all had the same memory of him. Fat guy wearing his dirty ripped underwear and nothing else in front of them at my place. How embarrassing!

Anyway, I understand your love/hate. They say it is impossible to hate that which you do not love/envy. I am inclined to agree though I'd admit it to few.

I understand also about necessity bringing you to him, and the guilt and undecidedness that must bring you as well. I took my father back into my home 6 years ago. He said it was because he couldn't bear living with his controlling sister anymore (who ya know, made him bathe?) Anyway, it was crap pretty well from the get go. My father would also tell my then boyfriend/now husband that women were only for one thing, that he wasn't a real man, that I needed a beating, etc. ... etc.... plus all my spare time (I was in college in Software Engineering so HAD no spare time) he wanted to spend with me at restaurants and movies where I got the joy of paying his way and for his multiple beers. He was physically and mentally abusive to the point that I had numerous breakdowns. He complained that I was lazy and didn't cook and clean his room enough for him. Lastly, he was also my dad. I felt responsible and felt badly and torn for thinking otherwise. I hated him for the most part, we were like oil and vinegar all along and my sister was the favourite daughter which he never kept to himself, but I always needed his approval and acceptance.

The only thing I do feel badly for now, is that I am a much happier and at peace person now that he is gone. That's wrong to say and I know it, but my relationship with my husband has improved 20fold, I smile again, and I am not rocking back and forth or screaming in anguish any longer.

madlyme.com said...

you should talk about your father in therapy. it could help you deal with some of your guilt. whenever you talk about your father in your blog, it seems like you think you have to apologize. is he reading your blog? is there something right about abuse and something wrong about feeling angry toward your abuser?

Zoe Strickman said...

Rowan, I'm sorry you went through what you did. He sounded terrible.

Katinkab, I probably will, but I certainly don't want to. I don't get how you can love someone and hate them equally as strong at the same moment.