Whoa. After reading Logan's comment this morning to last week's clubbing experience, I came to an observation which shook me up. I might not want to live the Chassidic lifestyle I've been laying the foundation for these past few years. We all know I've come a long way. I'm orthodox now where I used to be nothing. I do most of what a religious person does, i.e. kosher, shabbat, Torah, mitzvos, etc. However, I do see myself carving out piece-by-peace my own life separate from the religious drone existance I accepted during my years of uncertainty at yeshiva, and now it occurred to me that I am trying to "scenario" myself away from the rabbi's influence.
In my heart, I like in theory what I have become, but practically I'm not finding the whole picture so practical anymore. Yet here I am stuck with a beard that I am terrified as all hell to shave because I feel that my identity would go along with it. For the first time in my religious life, I woke up this morning in a cold sweat, and I wanted the beard off.
I've always wanted to find a balance between hardcore religion and real life (as if the two were separate), and I am finding that balance. However, I want to move far away from my religious Chassidic influence so that I can lead my own life. I am just praying that I fall into a religious life before I break away completely. I think something has been beggining to stir inside of me since my last shidduch experience in May, and I'm not sure if I want to live the chassidic life I chose for myself, or whether I want to be a regular modern orthodox Jew. Do you think I'm a quitter? Can't I just be like the guy in this picture?