I've been trying really hard to break out of this sadness however I cannot get my mind to function clear enough to break through the fog. I am sincerely trying. The more I think about what happened the angrier I get and then I short circuit my anger to stay balanced which drains all the excess energy leaving my body feeling weak. I would so like to harness my anger and use it to do something, but on what would I release it? Instead, I am choosing the weaker route. I'd catch hold of this anger, but I am so tempted to do so that resisting and staying weak keeps me on the right side. I don't believe that there is real power in this anger, and I don't believe that I could control it if I embraced it. It will stay disconnected from me and like a flame that runs out of oxygen, so must it.
4 comments:
I'm in NY too and there's a bug going around - just like you describe. So it's not as psychosomatic as you think. But being down brings your defenses down, so mind and body are never too far out of synch.
I've been reading you for a number of weeks - with interest & feeling.
Your religious struggles, your arranged marriage carwreck - and particularly the fact that you choose to live with your father, with whom no resolution or apology IN WORDS has ever occured for his past abuse ...
I feel for you, admire and respect and empathize as I watch your life from this unique digital threshold.
There's a mezuzah on it you've not kissed.
But if I'm right, you will, in time.
Thanks for writing.
Thank you. I took note of how you phrased "IN WORDS" and "past abuse".
On one level and objectively, I agree with you. My emotions object.
On a deeper level, we know that time gets spread out on a continuum and a blemish always stays a blemish until rectified through teshuva (repentance) or some other means. I sense no regrets about my father's past. With that said, I also acknowledge that I am not his judge nor am I his executioner.
Secretly, I am still the scared and bruised little boy with no friends who lives in solitude because he can't understand why his parents would have done what they did. (Credit to my mother because in the end she pulled herself together and fought my father, got divorced, and supported us through years of difficult times.) This is inwardly true; externally, I seem to live a healthy and normal life.
I also hate this topic because 1) I feel stupid talking about it, 2) I don't want to think about the memories, 3) I hate being the poor-me type, and 4) I still get anger flares just thinking about it. What they did sucked, but they did the best with the resources they had available to them. I went through years of therapy when I was a child for this, and I hope I will never succumb to the anger and dysfunction that they availed to themselves in their messed up lives.
*Deep Breath*
Thank you for your level-headed comment. I could sense true warmth from your words.
Gee, your last comment there, you sounded exactly like me.
I just thought I'd suggest a punching bag? Sometimes it feels good to drain negative energy out of your body. Though, I've been known to get frustrated with the bag, (or pillow) and take scissors to it because it needed to be destroyed utterly.
Scissors sounds like fun.
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