Thursday, June 02, 2005
Lucid Dream about Real Life Circumstances
I sleep with a wireless headset over my ears so that I can listen to brainwaves and hypnotic suggestions while I sleep. Tonight I had a dream that I was walking through some town and I saw giant statues of nazis. I was a Chassidic Jew wearing my black hat and there were Jews all around me. I felt uncomfortable because I thought I was going to be arrested for my identity. I took off my hat, but then when I realized that it would make no difference, I put it back on.
The dream then shifted to a conversation I had with a girl from law school. This one has been my id, trying to convince me to stop being platonic. She was in her car, and I was in the passenger side of my car. Somehow through a crack in my window, she reached her hand through to hold mine. I opened my window and with my hand I held hers. There was nothing sexual here, just one friend supporting another friend. I could see in her eyes a look saying "I know; I am sorry for your loss." [She was referring to the shidduch that just ended]. When I held her hand, I felt a pulsing energy through our palms and she was shocked that I reached out and held her hand because this meant that I broke out from my platonic ways.
We certainly were not about to do anything intimate because we were just friends, but immediately, the thought that came to our minds was my make-believe conversation I had with G-d before I met this girl who just ended the shidduch. I made a deal with G-d (in real life, I really did, and I spoke to my friend in person about this the morning before I met the girl for the first time) that if this shidduch did not work out, I would stop being platonic, and I would resume my ballroom dancing and contact with women. This certainly does not mean that I would be physical or intimate with any of them or that I would no longer wait until marriage, but that I would no longer be what is called shomer negiah (guard of the touch), a concept in Judaism where the man does not touch a woman -- this would be a barrier so that he does not accidentally get lured into other lascivious and tempetuous acts of intimacy that are forbidden before marriage.
In real waking life, I did make this deal with G-d (if one actually can) that I would no longer be shomer negiah and that I would start ballroom dancing again if this last shidduch did not work out. I made this deal the day before I met this last girl I was dating. Now she has broken it off and I wonder whether the status of my contract with G-d is still valid, or whether it was valid in the first place, or whether I just dreamed it up in my imagination.
Shifting back to the dream, after holding her hand, she wished me a happy birthday. If that were true, then it would have needed to be a Sunday, which means that the day before must have been Shabbos (the Sabbath), but I was home working, and I don't remember there being a Shabbos -- Oh my gosh! (I thought), I missed Shabbos for the first time since I was frum (religious) !! This was bad, but it was completely unintentional.
Being that it was my birthday, I wanted to go see the Rebbe (Lubavicher Rebbe) to get a beracha (blessing) for my birthday. I couldn't believe I missed Shabbos. I saw a few Israeli guys who walked towards me and started a conversation with me in Hebrew. I stood up and started to walk with them towards my bunk (this is a dream, remember, things don't have to be logical). I told one the Israelis about the nazi statue and how uncomfortable it made me. I also told them I was going to the Ohel (the gravesite of the Lubavicher Rebbe) and I hoped that nobody would ask me for a ride there. I walked with one of the guys -- a tall, blond guy, and we were talking. When I got to the bunk, he gave me a big hug. I asked him what his name was, and he said his name was [Zoe]. I said, "That's my name too! [Zoe] what??" He answered "[Zoe] Freid". I told him my full name, and I thought that it was very strange that he had my name. In the dream moments later, wondered whether since I was dreaming (I sometimes can tell in a dream that it is a dream I am experiencing), whether he was me. "Freid" I thought... that sounds like "Freed"... "Freed from what?" I thought as I woke up to my bunk...
I opened my eyes to hear the brainwave sounds and the wireless headset still over my ears. I realized that Jews don't go to the Rebbe on their solar birthday, but rather, on their Lunar birthday which this year will fall on this Wednesday, June 8th, the day I leave to China. I will go see the Rebbe in the morning to ask for a beracha (blessing) and to ask for some understanding why things happened the way they did with this shidduch that just ended two days ago.