Thursday, June 16, 2005

Phantom of the Opera

I was just watching the Phantom of the Opera starring Gerard Butler and Emmy Rossum. What struck me emotionally was how I was able to see Christine's shallow breathing when she was alone with the Phantom in his dungeon, and I could feel her arousal as she and the Phantom touched. When he touched her, her eyes went up in her head, and I could almost feel her heart beat. I would like to say that I was even able to imagine the smell of her arousal while still keeping a romantic aura to my words.

I couldn't help but to wonder whether I identified with the Phantom or with Raul, and while in my past the answer certainly would have been the Phantom, I can not say that to the exclusion of identifying with Raul.

Emotionally reflecting, there are limitations that I feel have come into my life where I wonder whether they are self-imposed or externally imposed. We know I am talking about religion. Further, I wonder if they are actual limitations or merely perceived limitations. I must always think of this and question, namely, whether religion has brought me forward or backwards. I've been working so hard to find my path within the range of permissible opportunities that I never considered that looking outside the box might shed light on the answer.

I haven't been a musical performer in many years. Yet when I was a child, I used to sing at the Metropolitan Opera, the New York City Opera, and at Columbia University, among many other places. Yes, now you know that my childhood took place in New York. I was also good, and I held lead roles in various operas and shows. I once made the front cover of the New York Times for one of the operas I held the lead role in. I bet you didn't know that about my past. So you can understand how I always had a deep connection to the musical Phantom of the Opera.

It was also the night I saw the Phantom of the Opera musical that I had my first heart break in college. I realized that night that the girl I was infatuated with wouldn't stand by my side when things got tough. Leaving the musical, the transmission in my car stopped functioning, and upon getting stuck on the bridge, she hopped a taxi and left me there with my car and my broken heart. It was a sign for many more things to come.

I suppose all I want is for someone to love me who I can love. Yet sometimes I wonder whether I will find this ploughing through the drudge path that I have been walking. I feel that I need to be somewhere else to find this love, that I need to be someone else. Just who, I have not yet figured out.

1 comment:

Rowan said...

Zoe, you are such a beautiful and passionate person. I feel jealous of any woman who could ensnare you, and I can't believe anyone would EVER leave another human being alone when they are having car trouble, completely unacceptable. I feel your pain as I sit here at work.

I too love the Phantom of the Opera. The book, the play, the recent movie but most of all the music. I listen to it all the time, always have. I hear every mistake, I single out the best musician in the orchestra, I cry and twinge when I hear a note or section I find extremely beautiful. Music affects me very deeply, more than any other medium and more than words. I used to play the Phantom of the Opera in my youth orchestra and I too know the joy that performing can bring. I also know how lonely it can be when you are on a stage and thousands at times are watching you, and you never feel more alone. Pride was always strongest in me when I was performing. I wonder, is there no way you could still indulge in your talents with your religion? Seems you and I have more in common than I originally thought, I mean, I was never on the cover of the New York Times obviously for several reasons, but my sister and I were on many occassions in my hometown's newspaper in the arts section of the paper. My sister was interviewed with her photograph on the first page of the section (she played the double bass) and I come from a VERY musical family. The first time I heard of the Fiddler on the Roof was through my orchestra where I had to learn "If I were a Rich Man" (which incidentally still makes me giddy with laugther) and my father brought me home and sat me in front of the television to watch it - I think this might have been the turning point in my life where I truly fell in love with the musical. It to this day, is one of my favourite movies. That's why I ask you how accurate it is, I find the Orthadox way of life simplistic, yet somehow perfected. It would have been nice if Canada on the whole was more like that small village of Anatevka (spelling?).

I'll shut up now as I talk too much, but I want to leave you with hopefully this reassuring thought. I wish I could have known you (without being offensive to your religion) before I met my husband and had children, you would have definately been the sort of man I would have submitted entirely to if I am not being too forward for saying so. I know Miss Right is somewhere there for you. You sound ready to be a good husband.