I've always felt like the guy in the background; the one that nobody sees. I'm the one that people do not worry about because I seem to have it all together. Maybe I do, maybe I always have. But when I get sick like I did a few days ago, nobody knew. My pain hides from the world, and it deceives people into thinking that I have no problems. But a person seemingly without problems is a person without chances to grow, and when problems introduce themselves to me, I am usually alone in a room with nobody to call out for help. The problems surround me and engulf me like a giant invisible silver-grey-blue slime that saps my energy and gives me reasons to cry.
I feel bad for my father, who while he is so close in proximity to me; he has no idea what is going on in my life. He can not relate to the things that go on in my head. I tell him, but he does not hear me. His self-centered world where he sees himself as the ultimate giver surrounds him and closes his ears to my words. When he walks into my room to watch me (his son) in awe and with love, my fuming slight of hand switches my screen from whatever I am reading at the time to something work-oriented. I do this because while I can and I DO work for hours or days at a time, he seems to have the convenient timing of walking in on me just at the moment I decided to take a needed break. I could work for days and he wouldn't notice it. I could stay up two or three nights in a row and he wouldn't notice it. He just walked into the room moments ago and stood in the doorway talking about the work he did for the day. When he asked me what I was working on and I replied "my paper," (the one that I have been stressing about and working on for almost a week now, he said "oh, you have a paper for school?" [As if he didn't know from the 1000 times I spoke about it to him.])
Then when I under-perform or when I receive bad news, his lips leak out some uneducated comment such as "well, you should have worked harder", or "maybe if you didn't slack off you would have done better" when he had no idea how many hours, days, or weeks I put into that particular project. He dishes out advice as if he is the wise one before he even hears the facts or knows what is going on. Upon him seeing that I was upset about last week's events, he said, "well, all women are meant to be fucked and then left." "Always remember the four F's: find her, feel her, fuck her, and then forget her." "You were wasting time in the hotel. You should have taken her upstairs." These are the pieces of wisdom that I hear from him. It so frequently surprises me how he is my father. When I snap at him or give him an attitude, I want to cry because I fear that I have hurt his feelings and that he is also alone in this world because his relationships are shallow and meaningless.
I had an interesting dream last night. This dream is graphic, crude, and it is not for the faint of hearts; I ask for your forgiveness in advance for the carnal nature of this dream, and for those of you of whom it would not be appropriate, please do not read on. I was a member of an elite skating team where we were pushed to the extreme to be the best skating team in existence. To perpetuate our unity, by some supernatural selection, each team member (myself included) was paired off as man and wife. We would dress in a white robe uniform, and when it came time for our turn to get married, we would be given a 3/4" brown member (almost like a sausage, wrapped in silver foil) that to me looked phallic. We were supposed to penetrate our designated wife with this phallic organ, and through this we would consecrate our lifelong connection. There was something special and highly spiritual in this connection, and I knew it. But when it came time for me to penetrate my wife to be, I looked at her face and I couldn't go through with it because I didn't have the courage or the faith. It was a big disappointment for everyone, and it was a severe rejection to the innocent girl who was chosen to be my wife. I felt so terrible for her, as if I failed her and the team and I wanted to cry. I roamed around for what could have been hours in my dream, and when I decided that I would marry, I was given the brown phallic member wrapped in silver foil, and when it came time to penetrate, it was a different woman this time around.
This dream was very crude; I apologize for writing it down. I woke up feeling that there was some kind of importance to this dream, and since it is almost 10:00 pm and I still remember the dream and the feelings in detail, I thought it would be important to write down. What I wanted most of all to savor was the feeling of specialness from the first match that I was not strong enough to connect to. This feeling left a mark on my heart that I have been thinking about all day.
6 comments:
You are facinating. you write so beatifully. What you discribe is a life that I have only heard about...and not heard much about. i am truly amazed.
Lisainna, what would be the focus of the 12-step program you are describing? I am unfamiliar with this kind of program.
Sarah, thank you for your kind words. If you wouldn't mind, I would enjoy hearing your thoughts on this topic.
I am usually pretty good at picking apart dreams but I have to admit, I am lost on this one. I'll digest it awhile. Dreams are just our unconscious trying to make sense of day. Funny though that consummation was not physical....I wonder what that means?
It was physical, kinda. In the dream, we were supposed to use that brown sausage-like thing as a replacement for the real organ. But nevertheless, we were still suppose to penetrate and I did remember feeling something as if it were real. Weird dream.
In your dream, were you able to penetrate the second woman (if you don't mind me asking)?
Sounds to me like you are still thinking things through with your "meetings" you recently had with the Shiddich(sp?). You weren't able to go through with that, and you weren't with the "real girl" either. Perhaps this is indicating you are determined enough and you will find yourself a woman who you will not pass up on? I am optimistic about this dream. Was the phallic symbology similar to the breaking of a wine glass at a wedding? I think this dream is clearly showing your reservations about the girl you've been seeing lately.
Your father, alas sounds like mine did. Doesn't believe in love, feels women are a commodity, and does your father also feel that marriage is a business partnership primarily in monetary matters? Mine did. I know how you feel. YOu love him, you hate him. You wish sometimes you had the courage to just pick something up and hit him with it, though it would be against principle, and not what you'd REALLY wish for him. My father raised my sister and I as boys. He placed values on us that I don't think helped us to be submissive wives. I do know this though, my father was trying his best to make us independant thinkers and thus, thought he was doing what was right. I don't blame him now that he's gone. I have a feeling your father's comment on "f**k them and then leave them" (or whatever the exact quote was) is his way of trying to get you to not hurt. I know this doesn't make sense, but sounds like your father is somewhat like my own non-emotive father. This could be his ignorant approach to comforting you in a masculine way.
Secondly, it sounds to me like the both of you have grown apart in similar interests, AND your knowledge sounds far more formal than his (meaning no offense to either of you). Have youthought of any possibilitiy of moving out on your own two feet? I realize you have a lot going on in life, but I wonder if you might feel more stable after a while of having personal satisfaction that you are clearly your own person, facing the world.
Can I ask you this? How does your father feel about your mother? Did he feel that she should be used and then let go? This piques my curiousity.
Interesting question, Rowan. No, I was unable to penetrate the second woman because she was behind me. Yes, physical intercourse between a husband and wife is a part of the consummation step of the marriage -- without this, the marriage can be held by either party to be invalid.
I can't answer you on the father questions because I honestly don't know the answers. I somehow think that the 4 F's are a philosophy of his, just as the belief that one should always become a better person is a philosophy of mine. When my mother asked for a divorce when I was thirteen, my father abandoned us, he emptied our bank accounts (including mine with my lifetime savings), and he caused us to lose everything including the house we lived in and our possessions. This was objectively a true fact. How I feel about him and what I think of him are still unresolved.
I just finished my second year of law school. After the summer program in China, I will hopefully be able to secure a job that would allow me to stand on my own two feet. I've lived on my own since I was 16, however I moved in with my father shortly before starting law school so that I could save money and start a family of my own.
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