Thursday, September 08, 2005

Diary Entry - Crashing From Euphoric High

[This diary entry is more for my records. Pardon its appearance.]

Status: I think I'm crashing from my high from a few days ago. I don't know how long I've been up, but yesterday was the peak of my euphoria. Today I woke up having trouble focusing and my energy dropped through the floor. I couldn't participate in class or focus on any of the conversations I had. Everything was and still is a fog. I am also feeling irritable.

Today's Activities: I bought poles from Eddie Bauer's customer service for my new tent (which surprisingly was missing them). $40. I thought of an organizing system for my palm pilot to-do list and re-arranged my calendar into categories and my categories into icons and color shading. I ate rice today, and had a hot pastrami sandwich at school. My morning was shot -- I couldn't focus at all. I missed all my alarm clocks, and I woke up at 11am, so I couldn't go to the DMV to take my test to get the motorcycle learners permit like I wanted to. I still think it is a smart and economical decision to learn how to ride. I contacted a riding school and found out which dates they are offering their classes. I practiced piano today but got frustrated because my playing sounded dull.

Conversation With Friend About Religion: I had an emotional conversation with a friend of mine who thought I was being irrational for avoiding my yeshiva friends. I told him I was afraid they would judge me for being the person I've become and he said that is stupid because I am an icon for all the religious people in this school, and I'm probably the most religious guy here. He also said that my being religious in spite of the obvious adversity I face on a daily basis has been a motivating factor for so many people. He also told me that the law school lifestyle I chose is not conducive [I am sure that I spelled this wrong] for the religious kind of life I was taught to live in yeshiva, and to get through law school, just based on our time constraints, many parts of being religious will necessarily drop away. But he thinks that the fact that it bothers me is a good thing and it shows that I still have the desire to live a proper religious life, and I have made a high standard to live up to; after all, I have been trained in Crown Heights, the Lubavich Center of the world! Of course I will feel bad when I deviate by wearing colored shirts or not walking around with my black hat. I felt that even he wasn't seeing how far I've fallen in my observance.

Didn't Go Out Tonight: Oh, and being that it is Thursday night and supposedly everyone will be out at the bars, I decided that I didn't want to go out. I don't know if I was affected by the conversation with my friend, or that I am spooked that someone saw me last week at the bar who I am trying to be a role model for when it comes to religion, or that in halacha, third time is a chazakah.

I might also be upset that I didn't get what I thought I would from going out because I was sad that last week, nobody wanted to dance with me so I danced alone which made me feel lonely and sad. I also was seeking out attention last week which made me feel vulnerable and needy, and I didn't like feeling like that -- not alone in a bar with strangers and law school acquaintances.

I went out to dance, and nobody wanted to dance last time. That kind of defeated the purpose of breaking halacha to go out. I don't want to seduce people, and I fear that if I were to go out again, that is what would be next. It bothered me that I was thinking of acting on lascivious thoughts about being with women; usually I can distract myself and tell myself that being abstinent is a good thing, but I didn't care and I was bothered that I probably couldn't get any if I wanted to, and if I did, I would feel terrible because I made the decision that I would save myself for my wife, and I didn't want to ruin that because it is too important to me. So I didn't go out.

5 comments:

Rowan said...

It bothered me that I was thinking of acting on lascivious thoughts about being with women; usually I can distract myself and tell myself that being abstinent is a good thing, but I didn't care and I was bothered that I probably couldn't get any if I wanted to, and if I did, I would feel terrible because I made the decision that I would save myself for my wife, and I didn't want to ruin that because it is too important to me. So I didn't go out. This sounded very VERY familiar to me. Especially the part about being bothered that you thought you couldn't get anyone to take u up on it. That is the constant thought running through my brain. I don't want to ever cheat on my husband, but sometimes the thought is there, I don't think, no i KNOW i'd never act on it, but then I get more depressed knowing no one owuld want me anyway. Vicious cycle isn't it? I HATE this part of my depression. REALLY do.

Zoe Strickman said...

I don't remember what I wrote last night (haven't re-read it and it was late), but that sounds to me like RATIONALIZATION. Thinking you couldn't get some with someone else anyway when you're MARRIED is BAD BAD thinking because you can NEVER confirm or deny that thought with actual proof because it would ruin your life.

I know you were just sharing, but being married, thinking you couldn't get some anyway MUST be something you ERADICATE from your thoughts. You've got to think that you COULD get some if you wanted to at the snap of your fingers. Otherwise, the thoughts will mess with your head.

The problem I was facing was that my fantasies got specific and vivid with particular people and I was considering acting upon them and starting something with them. I was thinking that I COULD get some and that I MIGHT go out to get some -- WHICH SCARED ME BECAUSE I SHOULDN'T AND WOULDN'T RESPECT MYSELF IF I DID BECAUSE IN TRUTH, IT IS AGAINST MY VALUES AND THE GOALS I HAVE SET. So I rationalized that I couldn't get any anyway to dissuade myself from trying.

Scott said...

What is happening, hope all is going better.
scott

Maven said...

I think your struggles/issues with your frumkeit are very normal BT feelings, but involve things that frum people don't normally discuss. You are exceptionally brave(or stupid, ha ha)for sharing this with the blogosphere. I also commend your courage in discussing your mental health issues, and I give you a brocha that you heal through your "stuff." I hope you find the right medication to balance you out. Hatzlocho Rabbo!

Zoe Strickman said...

Fancy Schmancy Anxiety Maven, I am e-mailing you my response and posting it as a blog entry of its own. I feel that your comment was important enough to merit its own blog entry as an answer.