Sunday, September 18, 2005
Evening at the CLUB.
I am writing you from my car after a few drinks settled into my system and took away my happy drunk feeling and turned me into mush. Tonight after a holy shabbos filled with learning, I went to a friend's birthday party at a bar in the city. Open bar until 11pm.
Everything was okay. A friend of mine was there and she walked over to me and said into my ear, "you don't belong here." I answered "I never do." I hung around and danced for a little bit, but when the alcohol set in, I got sad because I was alone. The girl whose birthday I went to said "not to transverse any religious barriers, but I would totally date you."
That made me sad. I looked around the room and then I saw a beautiful woman. She was unapproachable. I tried to raise my energy and to catch her eye, but I couldn't do it. I was back to my old days where I couldn't approach a girl I liked if I tried because the girls I am attracted to wouldn't look at me. I got sadder.
Lonely, I remembered why I became religious; because I was tired of playing the clubbing scene with all the games and the mendacities. I never enjoyed playing the game. It was never for me. I am glad that long after being religious, it is still not for me. I no longer feel like I am missing out by being religious. Perhaps I needed a night like tonight to figure this out.