Friday, September 02, 2005

I changed my mind. I hate my father and I hate everything about him. Since my last post, I downloaded the drivers for the modem he installed into the server and [thinking that I wouldn't get upset at him for messing with the system], I installed the drivers into the system, and then the server froze. Now I cannot get windows to boot. I have over 20 gigs of lifetime data on that machine. I would freak if I lost it.

I have a headache that I cannot describe and my blood is boiling. I have pain in my forehead and I want to hurt him. Why can't he leave my things alone? Why did he have to break my network? I just realized that my air conditioning is off. I want him to die.

I must move out of this house. Nothing is worth having someone else compromise your life and your time. I find that I spend most of my time here repairing or adjusting to the things he fucks up here. I must calm down. I must leave this house.

I hate the fact that as soon as I calm down and let this go, I will forget my anger as if it never happened. I hate the fact that I will forgive him and everything will be okay until the next time he pulls something like this. I feel so powerless and so helpless. I know this is over something stupid like a modem, but I am generalizing this and feeling that this is my life and my sanity he is fucking with. I wish I weren't here anymore.

[I will likely delete this message when I calm down and come to my senses.]


BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Your anger towards your father specifically is affecting YOU not him. In order to find some inner peace, it is best that you sort this stuff out in a safe environment before it begins to consume you.

I wish you all the best and Good Shabbos.

Zoe Strickman said...

Wow, I can't believe I wrote what I did. I suppose you mean by a "safe environment" that you are referring to my own apartment. I have decided to look into this.