Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Warm Moment With My Father
My psychologist said that I am being pulled in two directions. Firstly, I want to love my father. However, on the other hand, I am fighting against the part of me that wants to love him because if I just forgive and forget, it will be as if everything that happened to me as a child (all the abuse) was retroactively okay and acceptable.
I feel that if I forgive him for what he did (and for what he did not do, both then and now) than he wouldn't receive the punishment he deserves for his actions.
As I said that out loud, I realized that I have a conflicting belief that says "I am not the one who's responsibility and power it is to give out punishment. Only G-d or a court can find someone guilty of an act." And of course, what happened in my past was witnessed by G-d, which means that if my dad doesn't somehow make amends, (chos v'sholom) and pardon the pun, he'll have hell to pay.
But this has nothing to do with me. According to Kabbalah (per Rabbi Berg's questionably reliable books), I -- being my soul -- chose this body; I chose this particular life with these particular parents. I knew the abuse that would happen, and somehow, while I was up in the heavens getting recycled, I felt that this life with its goods and its bads would be the kind of life I needed to rectify any blemishes in my soul.
Anyway, this doesn't lessen my anger for him, but it does help me realize that hating him doesn't do me any good, and it only aggravates me further. I'm better off releasing my anger and "let G-d" avenge those who have risen against me, and let me live a life of peace.
I told my dad about the motorcycle license and the piano I bought -- I thought he would flip out about both things, but he was very happy to hear about each. We spoke some law, and had some pleasant conversations. We will be drafting a will, a living will, a health care proxy, and a durable power of attorney using Suze Orman's Complete Will & Trust program. It cost only $15, and it can be installed on multiple computers for multiple users. It was nice helping my dad plan his future. By the way, this isn't morbid. I was impressed that my dad was interested in protecting himself against being sued or if something bad happened. I think this was responsible thinking. The chemical warfare suits that he purchased for around $650 in case of a terrorist attack seems to have been over the top, but as he says, "it's better to never to need these suits than not to have them if you ever G-d forbid need them."
I wish he was more like tonight more often. The question I must ask is -- did he change tonight, or did I?