Monday, September 19, 2005

"Father and not Son," or is it vice versa??

Topic 2 - Father and not Son: Anyway, one last thought before I talk about my doctor's appointment that I will have today. My father. I sat awake for around two hours this morning in bed waiting for my dad to wake up so that he can use the shower. I wait for him to shower first every day because he gets PISSED OFF when I shower first, and starts blabbing "I work [yadda yadda yadda]." However, he can't wake up in the morning to save his life, so it's always a battle with the snooze machine for him. The aggravating thing is that sometimes I'll wait an hour or so for him to shower first [knowing that I have class at 9am and minyan at 8am], and in the end, he won't shower because it took him too long to wake up. This makes my blood boil, especially because I am sure he has no idea that I wait for him every day.

I'd communicate with him, but talking to him is like talking to a wall. He doesn't listen to what I say (not because he doesn't care, but because he can't focus), and I get VERY aggravated telling him things multiple times. I feel like I spend more time informing him regarding things I already told him multiple times, and so when I don't do this, our conversations diminish and die out to an angry silence, and he still has NO IDEA WHY!

Last night in the middle of the night, he came into my room with the V8 Splash, the tomato and juice drink that I use in the mornings to blend my green kamut and my oils. At random, he offered to pour me a cup, and I got annoyed at him for bothering me late at night when I was in the middle of my seder (to-do list) of things I do to get to sleep at a reasonable time. He has a habit of messing my seder up with his time-wasters. While it was a nice gesture, I barked at him not to bother me when I'm trying to get to sleep. It was a three-second event, but I felt terrible about it, because I know where he was coming from.

When I was a child, I used to love it when he would bring me drinks while I was in bed. He would bring me water, or orange juice, and I remember those drinks were the most refreshing drinks in the world. I loved the fact that he cared enough about me to bring me stuff in bed. This was when I was younger. While writing about this, I get annoyed because he still thinks of me as that little kid when I'm almost thirty years old (what is the deal with that?), and while it occurs to me that he lives in the past (which I feel terrible about), I thought it was a sweet gesture to try to bring me a drink last night. I'd tell him this, but I don't want him doing it because 1) if I'm thirsty, I'll stand up and walk the ten feet to the kitchen, 2) I don't like being bothered by him in the evenings because talking with him causes the clock to speed up because I get angry just by being around him from the baseless hatred that I have for him.

Anyway, back to the showering business. I have been fuming and literally very angry for around an hour now. Not that I do this, but this is a stress response that I spend countless amounts of energy each morning trying to keep myself cool and calm, and then for hours afterwards I am drained like you cannot imagine from the exertion of trying NOT to stay angry. And if he tries to kiss me in the morning goodbye after this, I literally want to punch and hurt him for being so oblivious to reality.

This isn't meant to be a father-bashing blog. I really WANT to love him. I WANT to have the father-son relationship that I see so many people have with their fathers, but he is simply not mentally there enough to carry on a relationship with me. He just lacks the skills and the desire to connect with me, and he is just oblivious (I know I used this word already, but I mean it!) at how a father should act towards his children. I wish someone would have taught him this over the years. I wish he asked someone. His life (and our relationship) would be so so so so so much better. I am saddened every day I am around him that we don't have this kind of relationship that many sons have with their fathers. I am so angered by it for so many years that I don't even want it anymore. The thought of him touching me in a loving way creates pain that I could never express to you.

This picture at the top of the screen makes me very sad. Hopefully one day I will be able to have the kind of close relationship with my children that my father never learned to have with me.


Rowan said...

hang in there zoe, the light at the end of the tunnel should turn on any time now.

Arden Helget said...

Well, that could be true.