I just entered my moods based on what I remember from my blog since the beginning of the month. The chart is below. Interesting stuff. I laughed when I saw the emerging pattern. A month ago, I actually did one of these on a notebook; it looked the same; at least I am consistent.
Added May 12th: It surprises me that I actually have a problem with depression. The way it surfaces in my life is that hours pass by as if they are minutes. If it weren't for those spikes of productivity I get every few days, I'd be a very unproductive person. Days also pass by where I don't eat, I don't shower, and I don't get outside. (I sometimes pull myself together enough to cook, but then I forget that the food is in the oven until I smell the charcoal.) I don't pray, I don't learn, and time just ticks away -- who knows what I am doing, but I certainly waste time during these moods. Most of the time I don't realize that I am in one of them until I notice that days have passed by. Spooky.
I find my depressed, anti-social disposition quite humorous, however, especially since I am a relatively cheerful person. I am inquisitive, analytical, and curious about life and the universe. I love life, and I am excited by everything that goes on it, both bad and good. I am even known to find humor in dark things which people misinterpret and so I have learned to hide my smile when tragedy hits. But I love a good tragedy, and I love a good villain.
With everything so wonderful in the world with the markets crashing down around us and the middle east about to explode, I would be the first to say that even though I am truly an optimistic person -- happy is something that I know that I am not, despite what my true warm smile might communicate. I know "happy" because there were many times in my life where I felt it and I was very familiar with the feeling while it was happening; I remember how it felt, and so the lack of these feelings now serve as an indicator as to where I am holding on my happy meter. I could fake it like for a while like I did, but pretending for it to be real with hopes that one day I will actually turn happy seems stupid. Who wants to feel a new emotion while living the same unexciting, lonely, and mediocre life? I think that I would rather be depressed until either I or the fates change my life and get me out of this rut.
Does this make sense to you? Does it make sense that I can walk around with a real smile and still be depressed? Can I go into my shell and be filled with experiences of depression but seldom sadness? I have been trying to study for days now, and since the sad news about the shidduch (meeting) with the girl who decided not to continue our meetings, I have honest to G-d been unable to kick myself into gear. I just have no drive and no motivation because I feel that there is nobody to be accountable to anymore except for myself, but I am a patient man and so I can give myself whatever time I need to kick in gear. If I were harder on myself, I would probably feel failure or frustration, but I know that I still wouldn't be able to kick myself into gear. Interestingly enough, as soon as I hit "send", I am taking the papers on my desk and I am throwing them neatly on the floor. I will wash my hands, take out the books, and get to work because my exam is on Monday. Any explanations you have for this mismatch are more than welcome.