Monday, May 16, 2005

Go in my place.

I resolved to stay up most of the night studying for this morning's Constitutional Law final exam because I did not want to fail it, especially considering all the work I did for the class during the semester. Now that the test is over, I believe I succeeded in my goal. Next stop: Thursday's Trust & Estates exam.

In the next few minutes, I will take a nap in the sunlight which should 1) give me some needed Vitamin D, and will 2) cause a drop in my serotonin levels so that I can sleep deeply tonight and wake up rested; I will play some relaxing Hemisync Paraliminal tapes, and tonight I will get started on the next marathon until Thursday's exam. After my exam, I go on the legendary date.

I am feeling calm because I know that after last week's ordeal, I have nothing to lose. We already know that there might be a religious problem because we might believe different things, and I have already gone through the rejection from last week when she took me by my wings, and with a two-letter word, threw me to the floor midflight.

I tried to understand this. My current understanding is that last week, I presented myself as a warm, sensitive, romantic, religious guy -- just as I am. I can't figure out why she might not have liked that. Perhaps me on my best behavior isn't what she craves. Let's give her a taste of my strong fire and the high winds that lurk on my other side; let's see how fast her heart beats when she catches a glimple of my dark side. The only thing is that this side doesn't come out very often unless I am angry, emotional, exhausted, or overly excited. It does come out when I am alone; when there is nobody to get scared by its shadow. It also comes out when I am around someone I trust, and right now she is not on my happy list.

I feel like a wounded bird who has resolved to bite whoever comes my way. This girl violated my trust and rejected my subtle platonic emotional advances. It will be difficult to open up to her again. Let's hope that I will split open my entire self, buffet style -- vulnerable, and venerable; with both darkness and light in full glory.


Anonymous said...

Just be yourself. Don't try to get back at her or anything. She might have genuinely completely misunderstood what being religious is and felt that she can never live with such a person. She probably broke up because she saw you liked her but she felt that she couldn't continue. Therefore, she didn't want to continue fooling you, and herself, and so broke it off.

If it comes up, try explaining to her what religiousity is all about (that you can enjoy music just like a steak and that, in fact, a nazir has to bring a korbon for denying himself G-d's world) and see what her reaction is. Maybe she can handle it. Maybe she can't.

You can be a bit more cautious and reserved but don't try to get revenge. Otherwise, why go out at all?

Anyways, best of luck to you and whatever happens, it's all for the best even if we can't see it right away.

(By the way, in terms of hashgocho pratis...There are a million reasons why things can be for the best and so that's why I give up trying to figure out how and just rely that it is. For instance, this article you wrote inspired me to write this comment, taking up 5 minutes of my time. Who knows who I will now bump into in the street who I wouldn't have if I had not spent this time writing this comment. That person might put me in a good mood inspiring me to.....or the opposite. The same goes for you reading this comment etc. etc. etc. That's why I just trust it's all for the good and quit figuring out why. Of course it's better when it's more obvious.)

Alright, enough of the rambling. Good luck!!!!


Zoe Strickman said...

JMO - For stalling you by five minutes, it was my pleasure. I realize that even a one second difference in timing can change the world, so multiply that by 400 and see what an effect I had on your world. We will never know.

To clarify, you read into my message with your intuition but not your eyes. I think the value of our meeting is 1) to clarify a) what are the boundaries of how she is willing to live, b) what the outer limits of those boundaries are, and c) whether they are flexible. I will take the role of a film developer to develop the picture she creates of her in ten years and to see what is contained within.

Where your intuition kicked and not your eyes was in your insertion of words between the lines that were not there. To my error of improperly communicating the thought, the mention of giving her a taste of the fire and winds that are hidden within my personality is meant to lend to her secular side someone to "connect" to. She has not seen that side of me, and therefore she might not have realized that it is there while in fact it is strong both in her and in me.

[There was no hint or indication of revenge or wanting to get back at anyone.] Touche' on the 5 minutes.

Anonymous said...

Ok. Fair enough. Good luck again!


Daphnewood said...

I don't know. I think you should show her your dark side. After all, it is part of you. The honeymoon doesn't last forever. I personally liked to see a bit of the bad boy in my husband. It is exciting and I cannot explain why. Maybe because he seems more human. I honestly can't say. I do know that I love that my husband (usually) values my opinions and dreams but I also like that he is not a follower. I can count on him to lead when I am unwilling or unable. He can count on me for the same. That's it! A milquetoast. I don't like men who act like a milquetoast.

Anyway, I have no idea what is going through the mind of your angel, Mr. Strickman. Perhaps she is afraid she will lose herself with a union. I had fears when I got married that "Daphnewood" would disappear completely but silly me couldn't see that was who my husband wanted all along. The only thing he wanted to change about me was my last name. I wish you all the best. You deserve a spot of sunshine.

much love,

p.s. Zoe, remember to just have fun!

Rowan said...

I agree with Daphnewood here. From reading your post I immediately sensed that you are perhaps yourself repressing? I think she'd enjoy seeing a more "emotional" side of you without reasoning and logic. I know where my husband is concerned (a very intelligent and logically minded fellow) my largest complaint would be that a) there's no spark there b) if it doesn't make sense, he won't do it. What I mean is, he lacks passion, desire, fire, raw emotion. I think maybe (and this is only from my perspective obviously) the girl would enjoy seeing there's more to you than religion and that you can love her as a man as well. I know that is something that worried me when I got the "jitters". Also, yeah, it is a big deal for a woman to think she's losing her identity, perhaps she thinks you will change her way of life?

Zoe Strickman said...

Whoa, this is intense. Two strong points of view saying the same thing. I will take your advice, and I will find my strength within such a scary experience of possibly meeting someone that could become a wife. I will resolve not to be a milquetoast (good word), and I will work my hardest at being real and authentic. Let's see if we will stand side by side.