Monday, May 16, 2005
Go in my place.
I resolved to stay up most of the night studying for this morning's Constitutional Law final exam because I did not want to fail it, especially considering all the work I did for the class during the semester. Now that the test is over, I believe I succeeded in my goal. Next stop: Thursday's Trust & Estates exam.
In the next few minutes, I will take a nap in the sunlight which should 1) give me some needed Vitamin D, and will 2) cause a drop in my serotonin levels so that I can sleep deeply tonight and wake up rested; I will play some relaxing Hemisync Paraliminal tapes, and tonight I will get started on the next marathon until Thursday's exam. After my exam, I go on the legendary date.
I am feeling calm because I know that after last week's ordeal, I have nothing to lose. We already know that there might be a religious problem because we might believe different things, and I have already gone through the rejection from last week when she took me by my wings, and with a two-letter word, threw me to the floor midflight.
I tried to understand this. My current understanding is that last week, I presented myself as a warm, sensitive, romantic, religious guy -- just as I am. I can't figure out why she might not have liked that. Perhaps me on my best behavior isn't what she craves. Let's give her a taste of my strong fire and the high winds that lurk on my other side; let's see how fast her heart beats when she catches a glimple of my dark side. The only thing is that this side doesn't come out very often unless I am angry, emotional, exhausted, or overly excited. It does come out when I am alone; when there is nobody to get scared by its shadow. It also comes out when I am around someone I trust, and right now she is not on my happy list.
I feel like a wounded bird who has resolved to bite whoever comes my way. This girl violated my trust and rejected my subtle platonic emotional advances. It will be difficult to open up to her again. Let's hope that I will split open my entire self, buffet style -- vulnerable, and venerable; with both darkness and light in full glory.