Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Face-to-Face, Back-to-Back

[Edited for Privacy. E-mail me if you have any questions.]

It seems that G-d and I have a "face-to-face, back-to-back" relationship. When life is good, I turn to him and nullify myself to his will. When life turns rough, I turn my back to him in defiance. It occurred to me a few minutes ago that most people do it the other way around. The truth is that I don't yet have enough control and discipline over my sleeping and study patterns to do both my secular duties and my religious duties. This kicks my self-esteem out of balance because most normal people should be able to handle this kind of balance, while I fold under the pressure and I fail in one of these (secular or religious) responsibilities. I will get back on track on Friday. Right now, I am finding solace in lying to myself that it is not so bad.

Added 7:30pm: She wrote me back. It seems like she liked my e-mail by her response, and everything is a go for tomorrow night. I am nervous because I feel that G-d enjoys taking things away from me only to later give me something "better". I hope that she is the "better" and that this will not revert back to last week's status. I am even more fearful of her telling me something immutable that would cause me not to continue the shidduch -- this is by far, my greatest fear. I must also be real and I must know that I have become emotional which should not happen until later on when the two people get closer to an engagement.

Most of all, [more than my greatest fear,] I pray to G-d that I will not need to make the decision whether to sacrifice my religious values if it came to a decision of her or religion. These are my deepest fears and my darkest secrets when it comes to this shidduch; I am laying them out for both you and me to see so that I can be real and authentic when I meet her tomorrow.


Anonymous said...

We all have our "moments" with G-d but I don't think you should act badly to Him when things go wrong. Surely you know he loves you and only wants the best for you. Trust Him, pray to Him, cry to Him. R. Nachman of Breslov used to tell his chassidim that every day they should go into a room alone and literally speak and cry to G-d as a child would to his father (or mother?). Life is easier to handle when you know you G-d is with you.

(Another point: I don't know about you but I, personally, feel that I have done so much wrong to G-d that I can hardly complain if He pays me back (although in davenning I sometimes ask for His extreme mercy not to do so).)

As for the shidduch: I don't really have experience... However, it seems to me that for it to even be possible, she must agree to keep the laws of family purity and to keep a kosher home. (I don't know how to find this out, whether directly or through the shadchan.) Everything else could come with time.

Whatever happens, you now know (from her e-mails) that she didn't simply reject you and that, in fact, she seems to like you. I hope you have a most enjoyable and successful date tonight. I will try to keep you in mind during my teffilos (-I know I'm no great tzaddik but Hashem listens to everyone to one degree or another).

Best of luck and here's one person rooting for you.


Rowan said...

Best of luck with her. I wish I had known more sincere men in my time dating.