Wednesday, May 18, 2005
[Edited for Privacy. E-mail me if you have any questions.]
It seems that G-d and I have a "face-to-face, back-to-back" relationship. When life is good, I turn to him and nullify myself to his will. When life turns rough, I turn my back to him in defiance. It occurred to me a few minutes ago that most people do it the other way around. The truth is that I don't yet have enough control and discipline over my sleeping and study patterns to do both my secular duties and my religious duties. This kicks my self-esteem out of balance because most normal people should be able to handle this kind of balance, while I fold under the pressure and I fail in one of these (secular or religious) responsibilities. I will get back on track on Friday. Right now, I am finding solace in lying to myself that it is not so bad.
Added 7:30pm: She wrote me back. It seems like she liked my e-mail by her response, and everything is a go for tomorrow night. I am nervous because I feel that G-d enjoys taking things away from me only to later give me something "better". I hope that she is the "better" and that this will not revert back to last week's status. I am even more fearful of her telling me something immutable that would cause me not to continue the shidduch -- this is by far, my greatest fear. I must also be real and I must know that I have become emotional which should not happen until later on when the two people get closer to an engagement.
Most of all, [more than my greatest fear,] I pray to G-d that I will not need to make the decision whether to sacrifice my religious values if it came to a decision of her or religion. These are my deepest fears and my darkest secrets when it comes to this shidduch; I am laying them out for both you and me to see so that I can be real and authentic when I meet her tomorrow.