Monday, May 23, 2005
I am Fearful of the Future.
[Edited for Privacy. E-mail me if you have any questions.]
I don't know if you realized, but that last diary entry was not about clouds. Today started off as a productive day until I entered my house and all of the energy just drained from my limbs. I could hardly move right now, let alone get myself together to get the visa for my summer China program. I am overwhelmed with the sound of high pitched noises that have given me such a headache that I can barely focus. I know where it is coming from too; my monitors from my dad's security cameras give off a high-pitched noise and so does the satellite TV box. Will anyone please put me out of my misery and explain to me 1) why I hear these, 2) if others can hear this too, and 3) why there is such a strong correlation between when my mood gets depressed and when I enter my father's house -- is it the presence of all these electrical contraptions?!?
I should be jumping for joy from the events of these last few dates but I am more scared than ever. I don't want to ruin such a good thing by my overbearing personality, but by being passive I am coming across as weak and indecisive. I just want what is most convenient for her because my schedule is flexible, and she wants the same for me. The irony is that in our desire to please the other, I am convinced that our scheduled meeting for tonight will have been as inconvenient for her as it is for me. However, I wanted to convey the point of view that I wanted to see her, and then she told me that she was expecting me to take a day off before we see each other again, and when I took her up on the opportunity instead to meet tomorrow, she insisted that we meet tonight, inconveniencing herself so that she can conform to my schedule when really tonight is not that convenient.
My fear is also the opposite. I fear that I will smother her with my attention, but the smothering will be from my getting the impression and acting on the idea that she wants more attention when really it would be too much for her to handle. It is interesting because the message I got yesterday is that she wants this attention, but when I spoke to her today and she wanted the day off my heart sunk because I thought she would be very excited to push our meeting up to tonight instead of tomorrow. The truth is that I am likely making up all this in my head and that she IS very excited about tonight. I am just throwing myself through a loop of self-doubt and self-deception, and I need to focus and clear my mind from this nervous energy.