Tuesday, May 10, 2005
[Edited for Privacy. E-mail me if you have any questions.]
I just wanted to share a few things about last night. After picking her up, I took a wrong turn and ended up looking at the ocean. We parked and walked around a bit on the boardwalk, and she was amazed by the view. So was I. We drove to the hotel where we were to spend the rest of our evening... downstairs in the restaurant talking.
We found a quiet location to sit and talk. Oldies style music was playing using tunes from the 80's. I knew the words to so many of the songs. They were all love songs. Thinking about the secular issues that we discussed, I decided that maybe the better method was not to confront her on any of the questions or issues. Obviously she was religious; otherwise, she would never have agreed to see me for a third time. Instead of a head-on collision of a confrontation, I thought that a better way to discuss the questions about sanctity of the home, education of the children, and the home we would want to build would be by not talking directly about it. Instead, I told stories related to other things that came up in the ebb and flow of our conversation.
Sparks were flying, and there were times where I found myself aroused by our conversations. My heart was beating and she noticed that I was tuning into her; I was getting to know her, and I found myself feeling infatuated with the wonderful girl who sat in front of me. She commented that she was not used to people paying attention to her, and she was not used to people tuning into her. I fully related. We were on the same wavelength; we understood each other; we were able to get into the other's mind and thoughts. I ended our meeting on a high note.
This morning I made the routine call to my matchmaker to find out whether she said yes to continue the shidduch (meetings). When the rabbi answered, I immediately felt a sullen dullness coming from the phone. I asked if he had heard if we were continuing, he said he heard. Knowing from his voice that something was wrong, I asked if she said no; she did. She decided that she couldn't see herself living a chassidic lifestyle, and that she wasn't interested in continuing.
It hasn't hit me yet, but I feel as if something inside me has died again. I am suddenly embraced by my emotions that until now I did not remember were there. Once again they are exiled.
Before the end of the evening, there were confetti stars on the table we were sitting at. She loves sparkling things and immediately took notice of one that caught her fancy. She told me that these past few days, she could not get my eyes out of her head. She gave me one of the 1/2" confetti stars, and told me that I should keep this one as a gift, because it reminded her of my eyes. I placed it in my pocket. Up until my phone call with the matchmaker this afternoon, I was thinking of getting it wrapped in a plastic container to preserve it and the memory of what a magical night last night was. Now it is no longer appropriate to do so.
It is still in my shirt pocket. I don't know what to do with it.